


I'm Not Broken.

by MuseMusing



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, But I don't even care it's early, By the way this is a gift and I'm a day early, First real soulmate fic, I don't know Kimi's full name, M/M, Soul Clock, Trans Male Character, Transgender Kaneki, What Have I Done, soulmark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:49:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9479993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuseMusing/pseuds/MuseMusing
Summary: Kaneki doesn't know what to think when his soulmark hasn't solidified correctly. When he's tormented (more so referenced) over it, he finds an unexpected friend that leads to more.His time is dwindling to find his soulmate, but he's prepared to die anyway.(The characters are not mine, credit goes to where it belongs.)





	

“Kelly, what have you done!” his mother had shrieked to him, rushing over and touching the choppy strands.

    “I wanted a new haircut. You wouldn't take me, so I did it myself,” Kaneki whispered hesitantly. He had taken the kitchen scissors and cut into his hair when she had gone to sleep. Until he had been clumsy enough to drop them on his foot, missing his bare toes by mere inches.

    “I told you you couldn't get a haircut this short, Kelly.” She scolded.

_ My name isn't Kelly. My name isn't Kelly. My name  _ isn't _ Kelly. _ The thought went round and round in his head on a constant loop, ignoring his mother’s chiding and her worry. She soon left him to his own devices after forcing him to his bedroom. He glanced at himself in a mirror on the inside of his closet door. His hair had been waist length and he had cut it so the tips now brushed the middle of his ears and parted down the center. It was a start.

    Twenty minutes later when he was in bed was when  _ it _ happened. The inside of his wrist tingled, traveling up his forearm. Pulling his wrist up to his face to see what in the world had happened caused his breath to stutter to a stop, heart missing a beat. On his wrist were the numbers in a deep, rich chocolate brown:  _ 05 : 08 : 12 : 14 : 44.  _ Under the clock was the letter ‘H’ in what looked like such a nice script, the one that people used for official cards and letters. Calligraphy, that's what it was called. And then suddenly his vision wasn’t white anymore. It was in various shades of brown.

    He knew what all of this meant: Kaneki had received his soulmark and right now he had five years, eight months, twenty days, fourteen hours, and forty-four seconds to find them. Now he knew the first initial of his soulmate and the colour of their eyes.

    When one was marked, age didn't matter, it was all anyone could talk about because it was a huge deal. For some, it was an even sadder tale because when they became marked all they had was a name and a date of death. Some were lucky enough to get a second chance. Others weren't. The universe was a little cruel by giving you an initial and eye colour. The numbers were always in the colour of the eyes and until you were marked, all you saw was varying shades of white. Everyone searched and some were much more panicked than others because they had a shorter span.

    If you didn't find your soulmate by the time the clock ran out, you were both dead. It was somewhat of a common occurrence for two or three or however many people to suddenly drop dead from nothing other than their soulmates. It was how the world worked.

    The longer Kaneki looked at his soulmark, the surer he was that there was something wrong with it. Cracks ran through the numbers on his wrist and they were a little smudged, like someone had dragged a finger through wet ink. His mother’s hadn't looked like this; hers was a solid colour. Maybe he could find someone to help him figure out what it meant.

  
  


_ **   **   ** _

  
  


_ Broken _ , they whispered behind his back. Three months had passed since he had first been marked and no good had come out of it at all. No one he asked had ever heard of a mark looking like it was cracking/falling apart. Some speculated his soulmate was broken. Kaneki was sure it was him. It was endless teasing.

    “What kind of a mark is that?” one guy had laughed, examining both his and Kaneki’s, holding up wrists for a side-by-side comparison. His was solid. A dull brown to Kaneki, but solid.

    “Maybe something’s wrong with his soulmate,” a girl this time.

    “Maybe it isn’t his soulmate, maybe it’s him,” said another.

    “The hell happened to your hair?” Said by someone who hadn't paid much attention to him until then.

    “You don't look like you belong anymore.”

    “You’re broken, there's no fixing you.” Whispers from everyone around him.

    It had been too much. They kept going, each one soon speaking of a broken mate and they felt for the person who bore his mark. Kaneki had left school early that day with a bowed head and eyes filling up with tears.

    Later one of his teachers would call and tell his mother that Kaneki was beyond repair now because of his soulmark. Kaneki would beg that he be transferred to a different school. Anywhere but here. It wasn’t a place that was going to help him.

    When his mother told him she would think about it Kaneki found himself hugging his knees by a river that was halfway to his school. Head buried between the small opening, struggling not to tremble and cry. If he really was broken, what harm could he bring to someone that was handpicked for him? The very person who could know Kaneki without judging.

    “You look like you’ve had a tough day, kiddo,” came a voice from behind him.

    “N-no, I just -” Kaneki looked up before looking away, hand moving to rub at his cheek absently. “Just got a lot on my mind, is all.”

    The guy was about sixteen, just beginning to fill in, and as always, was brown. Hair, clothes, and eyes were about the same shades of brown which suggested they were the same shade of a different colour. Kaneki learned to distinguish types of browns to make some sense of it. The richer the colour the deeper it was truly brown. Muddy ones were probably ugly concoctions as far as he could figure.

    Kaneki used his hand to cover his left wrist when those eyes dipped too low for comfort. Not soon enough if the widening eyes were anything to go on.

    “I’m Ayato,” he introduced, sitting down next to Kaneki. “Does the reason you're sad and a bit pitiful looking have anything to do with your soulmark?”

    Kaneki pursed his lips. “I don't see how that’s any of your business.”

    “Didn’t say it was, my curiosity is piqued. You got any idea why it’s like that?”

    “No. Do you?”

    “Not a damn clue. I ain't about to give you shit for it, either, so you’re safe.”

    “I’m Kaneki.” He stuck his hand out hesitantly. “It’s my last name.”

    Ayato shook his hand. “Your first?” 

    “I hate it.” 

    “Who doesn't?” Ayato chuckled softly. Then he unclipped one of the bands around his wrist and handed it over. “Here. If you don't want people being little shits use this to cover it up. Soulmarks should only be seen by two people anyway. Not including doctors.”

    That was the day he befriended Ayato, who helped him clip the bracelet in place. Ayato kept him company until it was time for him to head home because dinner would surely be ready and he would be minutes late.

    “I’ll, uh, see you around?” Kaneki offered tentatively.

    Ayato tilted his head a bit. “Sure thing, squirt. I'm usually out here around this time anyway, but only about once a week for a breather before I throttle someone due to my workload.”

    Kaneki smiled for the first time in three months. “Bye, Ayato. And thank you.”

    “Don’t mention it. See you around, squirt.”

    Once a week meetings soon turned to where Kaneki would stay around Ayato’s home with his sister, Touka, and their roommate, Nishiki. Both of them argued a lot while Touka just watched and not any of the three could cook. Touka burned a pizza and blamed Nishiki for distracting her; Nishiki set off a fire alarm and blamed Ayato and that dissolved into a shouting match that resorted to fists.

    “Are they always like this?” Kaneki asked Touka. She was sitting beside him at the kitchen table as they watched. “And shouldn't we stop them?”

    “Yes and no. In that order. The last time I tried to break them up Nishiki elbowed me in the face and I wound up joining. That was an interesting hospital visit.”

    “How? Why?”

    “You explain to a doctor that you got into a fight because your roommate elbowed you, who started it because he turned our Thanksgiving turkey to charcoal and blamed the third roommate. We did that and the doctors looked at us like we were stupid. Ayato wound up with a broken nose, Nishiki had a broken leg because Ayato swung a bat at his legs - closest thing he had - and me? I had a concussion and a split lip.” 

    Kaneki looked at her. And then looked at her some more before he burst into laughter at the entire scene he could see play behind his eyes. Nishiki and Ayato paused in their fight to look over in confusion.

    “He learned about the epic Thanksgiving fight last year,” Touka elaborated.

    Both boys glared at each other, stomping over to a still-laughing Kaneki. “You both - You -” Kaneki gasped for air before giggling, “Savages.”

    “He is!” They said at the same time, pointing to one another. Kaneki could only giggle some more and Touka laughed, shaking her head.

    As it turns out the three of them had become his best friends over the course of six months. They fought, laughed, and joked with Kaneki around like he was family to them. Granted Ayato and Touka only had each other and Nishiki had a girlfriend that would come over every once in a while, but they had formed their own little family that somehow included Kaneki.

    Why, then, did Kaneki still feel like he truly was broken? His mother didn't often pay attention to him, which his friends knew of, and they took care of that tenfold. They made sure Kaneki ate and slept enough, made sure that when Kaneki had bad days they were there to cheer him up because his mother hadn't allowed him to transfer schools. Their home became his. His sanctuary.

    Nine months came and went. Kaneki finally had the confidence and courage to come out to them after arguing with himself for a month. That day he steeled his nerves and marched right inside the house, knowing Nishiki would be the last one home after his shift at a café that Touka also worked at. Nishiki never locked the doors when he came home and even if he did Kaneki could just knock. He remembered the one time Kaneki had just come in shortly after following Nishiki.

    “Lock the damn door, asshole!” Ayato threw a pan at Nishiki that clipped his hip.

    “Ow! Fuck you! It isn't like we have anything worth stealing, fuckwad.”

    “So! That doesn't stop anyone from coming in just to look, fucker. Or anyone from just waltzing in just because,”

    “Uh, should I leave?” Kaneki had asked.

    “No, Squirt, but I know  _ someone _ should.” Ayato hissed at Nishiki like a cat.

    “I need a new roommate.” Nishiki sighed. This was two months ago and Nishiki was taking no action on it. The two of them actually got along really well when they weren't fighting.

    Anyway, when he went in they were all sitting around the kitchen table in various states of study: papers strewn about, a couple broken pencils on the ground (likely from Ayato), and a laptop that was flashing a game of some sort.

    “Guys?”

    “Mmh?”

    “Eh?”

    “Whassup?” He got in response. The last one from Nishiki, mouth full of cheese balls, orange staining multiple pieces of paper in the corners as he flipped through them.

    “Can I talk to you?” Kaneki couldn't help the quiver lacing his voice. All three looked over at once.

    Ayato set aside his papers, taking off his reading glasses. He pointed to the only empty spot between Touka and Nishiki. “What is it, Squirt?” A pause, and then, “Is someone bothering you again?” Ayato's expression grew darker and so did the other two’s.

    “No! No, no, no. It isn't anything like that. It’s -” Kaneki paused and exhaled in a giant breath. “My real name is Kelly, but I hate it so much because I know it doesn't even fit me. I don't even feel like a girl - I know I'm not, I'm a boy, and I'm scared of what you guys will think.”

    The silence that reigned was so suffocating Kaneki could feel the tears prickling at his eyes, his throat closing up. What if they turned him away? That wasn't something he could take, not with everyone else against him because of his soulmark and what it may or may not mean.

    Touka leaned forward to take one of his hands, unclenching it from the other. “So you’re a boy. That's what we've been thinking all along. We noticed your skirts and dresses becoming more neutral, going for jeans and t-shirts.”

    Nishiki looked confused, peering at Kaneki’s attire. “I didn't notice. I just thought he was wearing it to stay warm?”

    Touka gave Nishiki a quelling glance. He shrunk back in his seat. “Well, two out of three of us noticed it was more to be comfortable than out of necessity,”

_ He, _ Nishiki had said. Even when he had been forced to wear skirts or dresses, Nishiki had thought he was a boy. Kaneki looked from Touka to Ayato to Nishiki and back again. “You’re not gonna kick me out? Or want nothing to do with me because I'm . . .?” The word trailed off the tip of his tongue. It was there. He wanted to use it, he really did, but they were the first ones he’d come out to.

    “What, you thought we would call you disgusting names because you're transgender? That's such fucking bullshit. People and their ignorance and fear of something they don't understand,” Ayato scoffed. His remarks were scathing to others. Then his expression gentled. “We aren't going to kick you out or want nothing more to do with you, Squirt. Doesn't work that way with us.”

    “Nishiki, I don't want everyone knowing just yet, so your girlfr -”

    Nishiki held up his hand. “Your business is your business, kiddo. I'm not going to go blabbing to her. Kimi might be my girlfriend, but I don't share secrets unless given consent.”

    “If you don't like the name Kelly, what do you think fits?” Ayato leaned back in his chair.

    “Just Kaneki. I like it best. I haven't come up with a name yet that I think really fits,” he smiled.

    “Your eyes are leaking.” Nishiki absently mentioned.

    “What?” Kaneki lifted his free hand to touch his face, surprised at the wetness. “I guess they are. But  _ leaking _ ? Really?”

    Nishiki shrugged. Touka said, “By the way, come over tomorrow after school.”

    “Okay, but why?”

    All three went back to their work. “Your hair looks like shit since it’s growing out again. I'm taking you to get it fixed.”

    Well, all right, then. That settled that because there was no arguing with Touka.

  
  


_ **   **   **  _

  
  


“Merry Christmas!” Nishiki shouted happily as Kaneki came through their door, wiggling the key out of the lock. Nishiki was a holiday person.

    “It’s New Years, dipshit.” Ayato grumbled, sending a smile Kaneki’s way. 

    “Oh, shut up, both of you.” Touka whacked them both on the back of their heads.

    “I guess that would work since I wasn't around for Christmas,” Kaneki tried to diffuse the situation before it started a fight.

    “Don’t hit me, Touka,” Nishiki glared. His girlfriend, Kimi, was by his side. “How was Christmas with the relatives?”

    “Crap, as usual” Kaneki admitted. “Everyone gets drunk and they all want pictures because they don't see me enough. Then they started -”

    “- yelling at your mother and she started crying, promising to bring you around, but we all know she won’t.” Touka rolled her eyes, steering Kaneki to the couch.

    “Right.” Kaneki nodded. He had been friends with them for a couple years now and they never failed to amuse him. “Why was I called over, anyway?”

    “For this,” Touka reached on the side of the couch and tossed him a wrapped box.

    Kaneki caught it. It was light and small, rectangular. Probably some sort of clothing. Over the past couple years they'd been gifting him with clothes he preferred, which annoyed his mother to no end. Tearing into the package and wrestling it open, Kaneki jerked in shock at what stared up at him.

    “W-who bought this?” Kaneki looked around at the three known culprits when it came to clothing and his appearance.

    “It was my idea, Squirt. But Touka beat me to buying it for you.” Ayato leaned back in his seat, looking pleased with himself. Touka did as well.

    Kaneki lifted the binder out of its box reverently, whimpering in the back of his throat. He had been wanting one of these for over a year and had gone to such lengths as to using a sports bra to hide himself as much as was possible. A sports bra only did so much, though, and Kaneki didn't have a job. He had given them measurements because he expressed how much he wanted one and one day he would get it. Setting the box and binder aside he launched himself at Touka, already crying so hard he could barely breathe. Relief was there simmering and churning in his chest and he felt alive with it. Things were going right finally.

    “No, no, don’t you -” Ayato began, only to be cut off as Kaneki launched himself at him next, arms squeezing as hard as he could muster. Ayato wheezed and didn't even tell him to lighten his grip. Nishiki and Kimi were smiling, the latter with tears in her eyes.

    “How can I pay you back, Touka?” Kaneki hiccupped.

    Touka waved her hand dismissively. “Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, Kaneki. No need to pay me back.”

    “But -”

    “No buts. I don't want to hear it. Now go try it on.” Touka’s words would be harsh if not for the fondness in her eyes and the smile that tilted her lips up in the corners.

    “Okay.” Kaneki sniffled and clambered off Ayato, who grunted at the weight. He took the binder and scurried into the bathroom to put it on, removing the sports bra and quickly putting it on, fingers trembling and eyes squeezed shut.

    When he opened his eyes he was thrown for a loop because not only did he feel the tiniest bit better with his appearance, his vision was off. He opened his mouth and yelled in surprise. “My vision is  _ PINK _ !”

    Ayato was the first to burst into the bathroom as Kaneki yelled, not knocking. Good thing he was covered. “What happened?” Ayato acted like this was normal. He clearly didn't hear his shriek of pink eyesight. Nishiki was behind him, tensed, with the girls behind him. Touka looked pissed and Kimi looked frightened.

    “My vision!” Kaneki looked around wildly.

    “Can you not see?” Nishiki pushed past everyone and stood in front of Kaneki, who looked up and up. Tall bastard.

    “He’s looking at you, stupid, I think he can see.” Ayato hissed.

    “Could’ve followed Nishiki’s voice,” Kimi said tentatively.

    “Oh, shut up, all of you and let him talk.” Touka threw up her hands in frustration.

    “You’re all pink.” Kaneki said in bewilderment. “My vision changed from brown to pin - Now it’s blue.” Kaneki blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the sudden change. And then he looked at Ayato. “Hey! Your eyes and hair are really blue!”

    “Are they?” Ayato frowned and reached up, twisting a piece of hair around his finger.

    Kaneki nodded enthusiastically and then went over to touch the strands himself, marvelling at them. “Well, your hair is more like a blue mixed with some other colour, like purple.”

    A lot of people at a young age were often confused as to how colour blind people dressed themselves. Well, people who could see colours were allowed to make the clothes and label them, which made it easier on anyone who couldn't. That's when Kaneki noticed that Ayato's clothes matched his eyes, which he probably wasn't very aware of. Colours were labeled generically and everyone else had to learn to distinguish the variations themselves (which was kind of stupid, why not just label them like Cobalt or Fuchsia?).

    “Oh, by the way, it fits perfectly.” Kaneki grinned. He looked down to admire his new binder excitedly. He gave them all hugs, feeling terrible he hadn’t been able to return the gift giving.

    Three months was all it took for Kaneki to get teased even more because of his appearance. He wished, not for the first time, that Ayato, Touka, Nishiki, or even Kimi went to school with him. It would make it so much easier for him to bear everyone whispering behind his back or to his face to just be assholes. Of all four it bothered Ayato the most, sometimes even more than it did Kaneki, who had to worry about being jumped in a bathroom or yelled at for using the “wrong one.” Ayato was the one who went to parades with him, stomping around and holding up signs. Getting in other people’s faces when they yelled disgusting things, or even just looked in Kaneki’s direction sourly. It was always fun to see Ayato painting his face and yelling, which was what he was good at. Nishiki went with him a few times, and Touka once because of her work schedule. Nishiki glowered at everyone - he wasn't very vocal.

    “Why do you dress like that?” One girl asked him once after school on the walk home. She was new, far as he knew.

    “Because it feels more comfortable to me.” Kaneki said.

    “I heard you used to wear skirts and dresses. Is that true?”

    “Yes,” Kaneki ground out.

    “I can't picture you in either. I don't think it would fit right. You're Kaneki, right?”

    “Right,”

    “I’m Hinami. Nice to meet you.” She grinned at him, mouth full of metal.

    “Nice to meet you, too.” Kaneki smiled back. “Like school here so far?”

    “Nope.”

    “Good, then you won't be disappointed as things go on.”

  
  


**   **   **

  
  


Five years had come and gone already. All his friends except for Hinami were in college and they were still determined to keep Kaneki company to make sure he was okay. They kept up in his life after his mother died the year before; they were the only constant in his life. He lived in a rundown apartment and worked at the café Touka now managed. Hinami was his roommate and together they stayed afloat in everything that was needed to be done. Now he was more worried about dying than he was anything else.

    Kaneki lifted his wrist to peer at it warily. It now read:  _ 00 : 00 : 00 : 13 : 26 _ . Over the years it was easy to ignore the fact if he didn’t find his soulmate he would die, but he searched, he really did try. Now he had mere hours to find them and he was seriously considering writing a will for his belongings. He didn't have much to cause a war over: a laptop, Xbox, and a few bracelets given to him by Ayato. Everything else was things you could buy yourself without - mostly - worrying about putting yourself in debt.

    That day he woke up Hinami before he dressed and went to work. The colour his vision was today was yellow. It changed at least once a week and he never knew what colour would be next. All the ones he had had been: pink, blue, yellow, red, purple, black, green, and one was even swirls with two different colours. No one could figure out why because some days it would go back to being orange. Each time it changed his eyes tingled.

    At the café everything passed as it normally did: Kaneki served tea, coffee, or the occasional pastry. Mundane, boring. That day even the flirtatious Rize was getting on his nerves with her hints of being his Valentine now that it was two days away. What was the point if Kaneki probably wasn't going to be around anyway? There was no joy in the holiday, not like previous years where he would spend the night binge-eating while watching the Titanic with Touka and Ayato - the latter of who cried every time it was watched only to deny it later on despite the fact his cheeks were still damp from tears.

    His holidays were spent with his family, a couple or all of them if he was lucky enough that they all had the day off. Nishiki bitched endlessly last Thanksgiving because he didn't get to eat turkey when it was ready and Kimi force fed him just to shut him up. 

    Would you believe Ayato and Nishiki shared a dorm room now? They'd sworn they would never room with one another again only to be paired together in the end anyway. That day had been so interesting Touka got popcorn. Half the guys in the dorm stopped their moving in to watch as the two argued back and forth, scrambling away as Ayato screeched his way down the hall after Nishiki threw his clothes from a window.

   The sun was setting below the horizon after his eight hour shift. He now had a whopping five hours left before he died. He begged the other four to come over so he could at least spend his last moments with them. That's what he wanted. That's what would make things better for him.

    His apartment door was hanging on its hinges, swaying slightly in the brisk wind. “No,” Kaneki whispered before breaking into a run. “Hinami!” He shouted as he ran through the door. She should've been back by now from her own job; she was always back before him.

    Kitchen and living room was in disarray, television smashed and broken, laying on its side on the floor. Pictures that usually hung on their frames in the hall were broken on the ground. One of their damn couches were missing.

    “Hina -” Kaneki groaned, doubling over in pain as a guy came out of his bedroom with his Xbox, swinging a bat at Kaneki’s midsection. Another guy came out, three in total eventually, as they beat him for walking in on their fun. When he was on the ground they kicked him, stomping on him. They didn't stop, showing no sort of any restraint. 

    At some point Kaneki must have passed out after a few more blows to his head no matter how much he tried to shield it because when he came to, they were gone and it was as silent as it had been. Not entirely silent with the ticking of the clock chiming in the kitchen mounted to the wall. Kaneki tried to move and groaned, one hand going to his side to grasp at it. There was no telling if there was broken bones or just bruises yet. Rustling came from the front door somewhere.

    “Oh my God, Kaneki!” Hinami was at his side, rolling him over carefully. “There’s glass in your side, your lip is split in two different places. What happened?” Not that she waited for an answer. Within the next minute she placed a call to the police, hysterical, and within six he could hear the sirens to an ambulance. She placed an equally hysteric call to Touka that would no doubt set off a chain reaction.

    “Kaneki!” Touka shouted in his ear. There was rustling on her end like she was on the move.

    “Hi,” He croaked. “Even my hair hurts,”

    Touka gave a strained laugh. “I could strangle you. I'll bring everyone to the hospital.”  _ Click _ . She hung up like that.

    Next time he came around he was situated in a bed, propped up. He had a few bandages and his pain was nearly nonexistent. Touka, Hinami, Ayato, and Nishiki were huddled around his bed, doing whatever until he woke up. Weakly shifting his left arm, he stopped. Did he really want to see how much time he had left? No, not really.

    “Is Nishiki doing a crossword puzzle?” Kaneki asked after watching for a few minutes. His voice was annoyingly scratchy.

    “I’m also suffering for it.” Nishiki glanced up and grinned, moving closer to Kaneki. “Look who’s up.”

    “How you feeling, Squirt? Doctor said your ribs are bruised and you have a concussion. You’re going to be sore as hell, too. But that’s okay because we’ll be watching over you.”

    “We’re apparently being forced to live with them in the dorm,” Hinami sighed.

    “You intend to sneak us in?” Kaneki could feel his lips twitch. That sounded like Ayato, even if he had to smuggle him in inside a duffle bag to do it. “I feel fine, no pain really. Just kind of sore.”

    “Someone hit you with a bat. I would be surprised if you didn’t feel at least a little bit sore.” Nishiki snorted, eyes alight with rage. “Speaking of which, if I find out who it was, I swear to God, I am going to tear him a new one.” To prove his point, Nishiki slammed his fist against a closed hand.

   “For once, I’ll agree with you here, porkshit.” Ayato nodded.

    “Why do you always have to call him names?” Kaneki rolled his eyes.

    “Because it’s fun and he kind of deserves it.” Ayato admitted. Nishiki threw his pen and nailed Ayato right in his left temple. 

    “You’re both impossible.” Kaneki said.

    “We are, but that’s why you love us.” Touka said, smiling now.

    “Ah, I see you’re awake, Mr. Kaneki. How’re you feeling?” Kaneki’s doctor, Kanou, walked in.

    “I’m okay. Sore, but functioning,” Kaneki moved his arms to prove a point. He had to focus extra hard not to stare at his left wrist, afraid of what he would see there.

    “You’re conscious and okay. There was no internal bleeding, no broken bones, no fractures. But we’d like to keep you overnight for observation just in case, okay?” Doctor Kanou smiled kindly. Kaneki had always liked him.

    “Can’t we take him home with us tonight?” Nishiki stood up, adjusting his glasses that wound up with a villainous glare that was impressive.

    “You could, but I’d suggest staying in,” Doctor Kanou said.

    “Please, can I go home? I’ll be careful. I’ll have to deal with the police, or I’ll drop off a statement or something on the way back so they aren’t searching for me for forever,” Kaneki bit his lip.

    Doctor Kanou sighed softly. “If you insist. I’ll have the nurse bring in your things for you, Kaneki. Do be careful, okay?”

    “I will, Doctor, thank you so much.” Kaneki grinned and waved as he disappeared out the door.

    A few minutes later Kaneki’s wrist started to tingle a bit, forcing him to look down in dread. He didn’t feel any different, like he was close to croaking, but he was also sure that didn’t really mean anything. Now his wrist read:  _ 00 : 00 : 00 : 01 : 57 _ . Great. But why of all times was it choosing now to tingle like this? When there was no one around? If his supposed soulmate was around, how was he to find them in a hospital with literally dozens upon dozens of patients? Not to mention the doctors and nurses around if it happened to be one of them by chance.

    “So, I hear the lucky man gets to go home. I admire your bravery! Facing robbers all on your own,” came the perky voice from the doorway. 

    The mark at his wrist didn’t tingle now, it  _ scorched _ him. The man - nurse, judging by the scrubs - at the door practically buzzed with excitement and joy. Dirty blond hair with dark roots and hospital scrubs that were brightly decorated, bordering on being loud. He was rummaging through a bag at his arm, pausing a bit to rub at his own wrist like Kaneki was doing.

    “You’re a nurse? You look young.” Touka remarked.

    “I am, really. I’m not really a nurse, though, I just volun -” words were cut off as his head lifted and yellow eyes met Kaneki’s.

    The entire world bent and shifted in and out of focus for a moment. Colours almost blinded him thoroughly with how fast they flooded his eyesight. Kaneki’s mouth fell open and so did the other guy’s. Both of them blinked multiple times before Kaneki dropped his eyes to his wrist: 00 : 00 : 00 : 01 : 33. It was frozen that way, which is what happened when you met your soulmate; the clock froze at the exact moment you met. Colours flooded your vision so you could finally, finally, see the way one was meant to. Touka came into view, Nishiki, Hinami, and Ayato. He could see the depths of their colours without having to worry about them disappearing on him. No more pure white. No more guessing what colour was what.

    “It’s you,” the guy whispered before his face broke out into a wide grin. He dropped Kaneki’s things, launching himself at him on the bed. Then it seemed to register that Kaneki was injured for he paused mid-lunge to pull him into a hug. “I was so sure I was going to die today!” He laughed softly, shaking his head. How was he so full of life?

    “I think we missed something, Squirt.” Ayato yanked the nurse away from him.

    Kaneki held up his wrist to show them, no longer hiding it. Even it’s cracked appearance wasn’t enough to make him feel ashamed of his soulmark.  _ He had found who was meant for him! _ Through the years he believed that you should get to know your soulmate instead of readily accepting who they were because what if you didn’t really like them despite the fact they were handpicked for you? The universe decided it for you; there was no other say in such a thing. It was rare for someone to be paired with an abusive partner for such a thing (abusers were often paired together), but it still happened. It may not be the case because of the way this guy acted. Then again, looks could be deceiving. 

    There was a few moments of silence as everyone took in his soulmark, his soulmate eyeing it with open curiosity. There was no disgust. No pain. No rejection. Only a certain fondness that Kaneki was fairly sure he didn’t deserve. Happiness that was shining in this guy’s eyes.

    A hand was thrust towards Kaneki. “I’m Hideyoshi, but you can call me Hide.”

    Kaneki took the offered hand, giving it a shake. “I think I’ll stick with Hideyoshi. I don’t want any special treatment.”

    Confusion warped that expression before surprise erased it. “No, no! I say that because everyone just calls me Hide. No special treatment.”

    A smile turned Kaneki’s lips up. “Then hello, Hide. I’m Kaneki. It’s nice to meet you.”

    “You, too. I’m glad I got to be introduced to you. I’d like to get to know you, though.”

    “One step at a time, Casanova. Right now Kaneki is coming with us. He needs his rest.” Touka glowered at Hide, who stood his ground. There was no effect. It proved to impress everyone in the room. When Touka glowered she always got her way. There was no arguing, no sulking - even silently.

    “I said I would like to, miss. I didn’t say it had to be now,” Hide arched a brow, retrieving the things he had dropped. “I’m well aware Kaneki needs to rest, which I would’ve urged him to do. I have his discharge papers, too.”

    “Does that mean I can leave now?” Kaneki started to slide out of the hospital bed.

    “Sure does. You can get changed in these, but, uh, they’re a little bloody. Unfortunately you’ll have to stay until someone can get you fresh clothes,” Hide held up his shirt, which did in fact have a few blood stains.

    “I can deal with walking out of here looking like that. It’s fine.” Kaneki smiled.

    Hide shrugged and handed the clothes over. “All right. As you were.”

    As he turned to leave, Kaneki called out, “Hide?”

    Hide turned back slightly. “Yeah?”

    “Why are you always wearing contacts?” 

    This question seemed to take him by surprise as he lifted a hand to his face, like he had forgotten he was even wearing them. “Oh, uh. I forgot I had them in right now because I can finally see all colours now. When I started wearing them I did it so my soulmate would be able to know what others looked like. How pretty everything is without it being one colour.”

    “You wore contacts . . . for your soulmate?” Kaneki asked, incredulous.

    “Of course. Why not?” With that, he left the room.

    “You have one weird soulmate.” Nishiki stated, nodding his head.

    “Agreeing. For once.” Ayato stretched.

    “Didn’t you agree with him earlier over something?” Touka asked.

    Before a fight could start Kaneki said, “I’ll get changed. I don’t have in an IV, probably because the doctor saw my soulmark and thought it wouldn’t matter either way, but that works out fine now. I’ll meet you guys outside?”

    They mumbled their okays and disappeared after the nurse/volunteer that had turned out to be his soulmate. _ Now what happens, though? _ He wondered as he dressed in the bathroom. All this time Kaneki didn’t think he would ever meet his soulmate to the point where he was prepared to die at any moment. He never imagined a life with one, only without. He had his family and as long as they were around for him, that was enough for him. His passing may hurt them all in the end, it surely would, and yet he was selfish enough to keep them in his life. Couldn’t bear to part with them at all. They were all he had had for years. When the teasing began and when it slowly dwindled away. He had tried to imagine what they would do when he was gone and he thought it wouldn’t be much different. Ayato and Nishiki would still bicker like siblings, throwing things when they became more agitated. Touka thinking about breaking them up only to decide against it lest they wind up in the hospital again because she couldn’t stay out of it when she was dealt a blow by accident. It was easy to remember that day and simply laugh because of the image that played out. Touka was by no means a nice person if she didn’t want to take anyone’s shit.

    He signed the papers so that he could leave, left them at the counter, and was about to walk out to join his family when he felt a hand lightly tap his shoulder. It was Hide with a warm, genuine smile on his face. “Glad I caught you before you left.”

    “I saw you when I came out, you know. You’ve been watching.” Kaneki revealed.

    Hide cringed a bit. “I wasn’t being as stealthy as I thought I was,”

    “No, you weren’t,” a smile tugged at Kaneki’s lips. “What is it you wanted?”

    “A date, hopefully,” Hide boldly declared.

    “Wha -”

    “Okay, maybe a small outing if date is too big of a word? Valentine’s Day is coming up in two days and I didn’t think I’d make it until then, so I’m free if you are,”

    “I am,” Kaneki found himself saying.

    “Terrific! If you give me your address I’ll take you out then?” Hide held out a pen and his arm in offering.

    Kaneki took it and scribbled Touka’s address on his arm, noting with a pang in his chest that Hide’s soulmark had not one imperfection on it. It was smooth and bold with the letter ‘K’ written beneath it as if Kaneki had scribbled it there himself. Why was Kaneki’s broken while Hide’s looked the way it should? Branded there the way it should be.

    Hide gripped Kaneki’s arm gently, letting his fingers trail down to his own soulmark, like he had noticed Kaneki’s staring. “It’s okay. I think your soulmark is cool that way. Gives it character.”

    “Th-thanks. I’ll see you in a couple days, Hide.” 

  
  


**   **   **

  
  


_ Gives it character, _ Hide had told him. With kind eyes and a gentle smile. What did he know? Or maybe he was just trying to flatter Kaneki, which may very well be the case. He seemed the type, sort of, combined with being carefree and energetic. How did Kaneki wind up being paired with that? He wasn’t carefree or so energetic. You’re lucky Kaneki looked presentable enough to get up, go to work, and not feel like he needed coffee shots to keep going. Hide seemed like the type of person who rolled out of bed and sang to the sun as he dressed. He probably even puked rainbows and glitter.

    It was two days later, Valentine’s Day, and he had accomplished much since the hospital: he had given his report to the police, filed for his warranty on his broken television, looked around for a cheap Xbox (and failed to find one) and he had even moved in with Touka (she wouldn’t let him leave her apartment or her sight). So far the burglars hadn’t been caught. 

    He debated on what to wear for a day before he finally settled for something. Kaneki looked at himself in the mirror in the bathroom, eyeing himself with a hint of annoyance. The year before he had died his hair so it was white, though his roots were starting to become horrendously noticeable. He still looked like had been in a bar fight with his split lips, but he could move around with little pain, more or less. He had on black jeans that were tucked into boots that came up to mid-calf with a carnation pink shirt. No, it wasn’t gaudy. It was a soft tone, complimenting him in a nice way.

    At eight o’clock the bell rang. The entire gang, with the exception of Hinami, was here.

    “Get the door, chickendick!” Ayato shouted from somewhere within the apartment.

    “Just call me a cock and get it over with, moron!” Nishiki growled, stomping passed the bathroom door.

    “Suck a cock!” was Ayato’s retort. It was a wonder Kaneki put up with those two.

    “So mature,” Kaneki shook his head before going out into what would be the living room area. It was all an open area with the bedrooms and bathroom down a hall off to one side.

    “Oh my dear gods. I’ve stumbled onto the whole big brother bit, haven’t I? Wait, no, big  _ brothers _ .” That perky voice caused Kaneki’s heart rate to speed up dramatically. What had happened to him in two days? He hadn’t heard that voice since then.

    Kaneki could practically feel Nishiki and Ayato ruffle their feathers and get ready to tear Hide a new one because what was worse than the two of them fighting was the two of them working together.

    “You two are hopeless. Leave him be.” Touka went over to them, grabbing each by the ear, and tugging them away. And then she turned, crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at Hide. “He’s to be back by at least midnight. Don’t make me come searching for you. Kaneki, have some fun.” Touka ruffled his hair and gave him a hug. She was giving Hide a look of death over her shoulder.

    “Time to go!” Kaneki said cheerily, returning the hug before tugging Hide out the door.

    “You’re an adult. Why do you have a curfew?” Hide asked once they were down the stairs to the second floor. 

    “It’s a tradition. For about four years everyone gathers around the TV and we all watch sappy love movies, eat popcorn, and bawl.”

    “That sounds like a nice tradition. Very fun. Aren’t you worried to be around them, though? They’re -” Hide hesitated, searching for the right word.

    Kaneki helped him out. “You can say it. They’re volatile and savage. Complete nuts,”

    “Where do you fit in amongst them? You aren’t volatile and savage.”

    “I’m not. That’s just them, honestly. I fit in somehow. Ayato brought me home like a lost puppy.”

    “Ayato?”

    “I can imagine you could hear them through the door. He’s the one who told Nishiki to suck a cock,”

    “Nishiki being the one who answered the door.” Hide nodded. 

    “Yup. The taller bastard.”

    Hide snickered a bit and laughed. “Everyone else is kind of short compared to him,”

    “Always. Say, where are we going, anyway?” Kaneki looked over at Hide. They were aimlessly wandering around the streets. Hide wasn’t even trying to guide him.

    When Hide grinned at him, so pure and genuine, Kaneki knew for certain he was fucked. As it turned out Hide planned a dinner for them in the middle of a well-lit park - that didn’t stop him from carrying a pocketknife with him - and he had made it himself. He even had his iPod play music, soft and classical, to set a nice, romantic mood. It was pretty much perfect, to say the least. Talking consisted of everything and nothing, from parents and family, to school and possible careers. Hide wanted to help people. Kaneki wanted to write to provide an escape for people who had no way out. Hide’s favourite tree was an oak, favourite colour was fuchsia, of all colours. They were both more cat people than dogs, unless it happened to be a really cute puppy that desperately needed a home. 

    Dinner was done and digesting nicely when Hide decided it was a nice time to dance. Kaneki kept stepping on his toes, his palms were sweaty, and his legs shook. Yeah, he couldn’t dance to save his life. Eventually the story of Thanksgiving was brought up and Hide laughed so hard he cried, pouting at the cramps in his side from all the activity.

    Four hours came and went, it seemed, in the blink of an eye. People were out with their respective others and were having a grand time just like Kaneki was. For the first time in a long time Kaneki felt the happiness bubbling up from his toes to light up his hair with it. Two days and Kaneki still couldn’t help but gawk at everything now that he could see so many colours at once. Hide, on the other hand, wasn’t nearly as entranced by it all like he was. Because Hide was too busy staring at him for a good portion of the time they were out.

    The words slipped from him before he even know they were going to come out. “I’m trans.”

    The only time Hide wasn’t looking at him was to cross the road with Kaneki practically on his arm. He looked over in surprise, more out of because Kaneki had just blurted it. Hide looked around them, tugging Kaneki closer like he planned to keep him safe from anyone who dared talk shit about him. It reminded him of something Ayato would -  _ has _ \- done.

    “I know,” Hide smiled at him. “Or, rather, I kind of guessed.”

     “How? Why didn’t you say anything?”

     “I didn’t have a reason to. I figured you would tell me in your own time, when you were ready. I admit I’m surprised you blurted it out like that, but I’m not really going to complain. As for the how, I saw the binder among your clothes. I was the one who gathered and folded them,”

    “Oh,” Kaneki bit into his lip. “You don’t care?”

    “Why should I? I don’t particularly care what you may or may not have. What concerns me is who you are as a person, Kaneki. I’m not an animal looking for a basic desire fix,”

    “That, uh, brings me to something else.” Kaneki swallowed harshly.

    “Which is?” Hide’s eyes never turned from being kind. Didn’t always being kind wind up becoming tiresome?

    “I, uh, I’m kind of asexual,” Kaneki whispered, so low that Hide had to bend down a few inches to hear him.

    “No big deal. I have a fairly low, bordering on nonexistent, sex drive. But even if I did have a high one, I wouldn’t go around pushing you to try something. That would be up to you,”

_  Soulmates tend to mirror you in some ways, that’s what makes them a match. Such a perfect fit that many others don't compare, _ these words drifted up from his memories, from all those times his mother had talked about his father when Kaneki had asked.

     A weight had shivered, melting away, somewhere in Kaneki’s chest. He hadn’t expected this to go so smoothly, even with someone that was supposed to be his soulmate. Things were never so easy or black and white.

     “Give back the popcorn!” Nishiki shouted through the door. It hadn’t taken them long to reach the apartment again, spending their last few minutes in companionable silence.

    “Get your own, shit-for-brains.” Ayato growled back.

    “Home sweet home,” Kaneki said happily, reaching up to knock on the door. It swung open a second later, Touka standing there in her pajamas and a scowl on her face. That expression relaxed when she saw who was on the other side of her door.

    “You’re three minutes early. Congratulations. By the way, we’re starting Titanic,” Touka addressed Kaneki, giving Hide a dirty sideways look.

    “You do remember that we watched that last week?” Kaneki asked.

    “Of course I do. But alas, it’s a good movie, so we’re watching it.”

    “Kaneki,” Hide smiled at him. “I, regrettably, should be getting home right about now, but I would love to see you again?”

    Kaneki bit his lip. “Yeah, of course. I’d like that.” 

    Hide gave him an exaggerated bow and tip of an imaginary hat before he began to retreat down the hall, a bounce in his step. Something shivered in him watching his soulmate traipse down the hall and not wanting more time with him. Didn’t Kaneki just so casually dismiss him? What in the world was he doing? No wonder Kaneki’s soulmark was so cracked looking and weird. Touka elbowed him hard enough to cause him to stumble to one side. Thankfully the elbow had been to a shoulder and not to his already bruised ribs. Kaneki shoved Touka inside and cracked the door, ignoring the flabbergasted look he got in return before he jogged down the hall after dirty blond locks.

    “Wait,” Kaneki grasped at Hide’s shirt-sleeve. Hide half-turned to look at him curiously. “Why don’t you stay here? To watch a couple of the movies with us. I mean, it is pretty late right now and there’s a lot of sketchy people out even if it is Valentine’s Day. Okay, technically, it isn’t really anymore since it’s after mid -”

    “You’re rambling,” Hide grinned. “That sounds like a splendid idea. I’d love to join.”

    “Really?” Kaneki grinned back. This guy had one infectious grin.

    “Absolutely. As long as I don’t have to sit between Ayato and Nishiki.”

    And he didn’t need to sit between those two volatile savages. Hide was - not so - forced to sit beside Kaneki through Titanic and The Fault in Our Stars to which Hide cried and didn’t even try to hide the fact. Kaneki watched Hide through most of the two films. It seemed that there was nothing Hide hid from anyone, answering questions hurled at him by his pain in the ass family (said as lovingly as possible), even snarking back at Ayato and Nishiki when they felt like being assholes just because they could. Touka’s eyes almost fell out of her head then and she was giving Hide a look of approval, sharing her popcorn with him when she had previously been hoarding it, that bitch.

    There was a sense of euphoria that tingled in his soulmark and spread throughout his entire body to try and consume him bit by bit. He hadn’t thought he would truly be happy, always thinking he would die due to the amount of people that roamed the earth with him and how difficult it would be to have found his soulmate and yet, here he was, feeling happy, acting happy, with his soulmate mere inches away interacting with his family.

    It was a beautiful sight to finally see.

  
  


**   **   **

  
  


Over the course of the days that turned to weeks that turned to a few months Kaneki and Hide got to know each other more. Secrets were spilled and confessions were made from their respective pasts (Hide had an abusive mother that he didn’t like to talk about much) and Kaneki with his teasing of his soulmark and his meeting with Ayato. More and more days were spent with Hide at his place much to Touka’s chagrin because she hated it when he was out of her sight and Ayato liked it even less on the days when he came over and didn’t find Kaneki relaxing from a day off of work (once Ayato even tried to hunt him down, squishing him in a hug when he found out that Kaneki was okay and not abducted). Ayato didn’t let him live it down and constantly complained at him each time Kaneki was actually around and not hiding away with his soulmate. Hinami was the more supportive one out of the group in terms of the fact she encouraged him to do as he pleased and when he pleased. Nishiki liked to glower at Kaneki - lovingly, still - from the opposite side of the room stubbornly. Kaneki knew he still cared when Nishiki would give him squeezes in passing hugs and then walk away like nothing had happened (he had started doing this a year after they met).

    Countless dates had been sought after by the two soulmates, no one sure who had initiated them the most by now, but it was certain that both were becoming more and more content in who they spent time with. Hide helped Kaneki embrace himself more, little by little, because he was so afraid that someone would eventually call him out still. Kaneki helped Hide heal the scars from his past, kissing at the ones he bore from an abusive parent that was supposed to be a protector until you could go out into the world on your own.

    This all had come down to the point where Kaneki could envision himself sitting around in a domestic little relationship, cooking on the days that Hide worked late as they took turns, enjoying the scene from some home that wouldn’t kill them with an outrageous amount of money that they asked for. At first, Kaneki didn’t understand fully what he was feeling until they had a date at the zoo and Hide helped a little girl find her parents. That was what he wanted with Hide, to eventually settle down and maybe have a family, but as for now, they were both drunk on each other, high in the euphoria that came with the knowledge that their soulmate was accepting them.

    Everything settled into place, whole and peaceful, on the day that he and Hide had come back from ice skating, sore and shaking because neither one of them could really skate. Kaneki’s ass was on the ice more than his feet, and Hide’s hands were on the metal railing that ringed the area than clinging to him. Even with those two factors they left breathless and happy, promising to each other that they would come back and that they would eventually fully learn how to skate properly so they didn’t look like a couple of buffoons. That night they were at Hide’s place, it had become a sanctuary and home just like Touka’s, and he was already practically moved in, and they were in bed together sharing chaste kisses and hands that couldn’t get enough of each other in the sense that they couldn’t possibly be any closer than they were. He wanted to be closer and he couldn’t, was already pressed so comfortingly against Hide that he could feel his heartbeat. They’d gone to bed breathless from so many kisses that tasted like mint from toothpaste, goofy, dazed grins on their faces with a dreamless night to follow.

    It’d been the tingling that woke him up that night, disrupting his peace that had finally come to him after so many years. Peace with himself and peace with getting someone he could truly accept and appreciate, knowing it was deserving and that he was just as deserving of all the attention given to him. A gentle thrum had traveled all the way up his arm and when Kaneki had seen his wrist, all he could was burst into tears that turned to heart wrenching sobs that made his body quake and tremble so violently it woke Hide up in a matter of a few minutes. 

    Hide rolled him over carefully, concern written all over his face. It only grew as he saw that Kaneki was gripping his wrist so hard his knuckles had turned porcelain. “Hey, Kaneki, what is it?” A gentle caress to the side of his face. “What’s wrong?”

    But Kaneki couldn’t speak for several more minutes and it took several more whispered words of encouragement before he found his voice, his soulmate hugging him close.

    Taking away his hand from his wrist, Kaneki lifted it up to let it be seen, moonlight catching it from the window. There was no cracks that separated his soulmark anymore. It was bold and it was beautiful and it matched Hide’s so perfectly that when they touched their marks together a wonderfully delightful tingle passed up their arms, so unlike before that it took his breath away. Because finally, Kaneki was whole and so happy he could burst.

    With Hide holding him while he wept all Kaneki could whisper over and over again until the sun rose was three words: “I’m not broken.”

**Author's Note:**

> Give me feedback, dear readers.


End file.
